Domestic abuse is a serious issue but is still not talked about much in the LGBT community. Research shows though that it happens in LGBT relationships as in any other relationship and that the effects can be devastating. As it's not talked about much it can be difficult to recognise if you yourself are in an abusive relationship. If you are worried, asking yourself some of the questions below may help - it is not just about physical violence, in fact a lot of Domestic Abuse is emotional but it is about controlling behaviour.

• Are you ever afraid of your partner?
• Do you feel like you're walking on egg shells around your partner?
• Does your partner ever threaten to 'out' you to friends, family, colleagues or work?
• Do they act in a negative way about your sexual orientation or gender identity?
• Do they ever tell you you're not a real lesbian, gay or bisexual person?
• Do they ever tell you you're not a real man or woman?
• Do they ever hit you or threaten to harm or hit you, your children or any pets?
• Do they ridicule you, put you down and/or make comments about your body?
• Are you ever forced to have sex or engage in sexual acts that you don't want to do?
• Do they ever prevent you from engaging with the LGBT 'scene'?
• Do they control your finances or check up on what you spend your money on?
• Do they ever humiliate you in front of your friends and family or in public?
• Do they threaten to harm themselves if you leave?
• Have they ever monitored your phone calls/bills or texts
• Have they ever locked you in the house against your will?
• Have they ever broken your possessions or punched/kicked the walls?
• Have you ever been followed when you go to work, home or out, or constantly been watched wherever you are?
• Does your partner calling, text or email you or your family, friends or work colleagues more often than is appropriate, or when asked not to?

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You do not have to be living with your partner for it to be seen as Domestic Abuse and it may be that the relationship is over but the abuse is still going on - you can still seek help.

What to do?

The first thing you can do if you think that you are experiencing domestic abuse is to tell yourself you really do deserve better and it is not your fault. We all have the right to an equal and respectful relationship. Do you have a friend, family member or colleague that you can trust to talk about what has been happening to you? For some LGBT people, relationships with families can be difficult if you are not 'out' to your family or your family have not fully been able to accept your sexual orientation or gender identity. You are not alone - contact your local LGBT specialist project or your local Domestic Abuse service - they should provide you with help and support regardless of sexual identity/gender orientation. Your safety (and any children you may have) is important. Making a safety plan can make you feel more secure should you have to get away from your partner in an emergency.

Below are some ideas you could think about to ensure your (and your children if any) safety if an incident occurs.

• Tell someone you can trust what is happening, and think about setting up a code word with a friend, neighbour or family member that you can use to explain there is an emergency and you need help quickly. For example, if you feel you are in danger you could ring your 'trusted person' and use the code word you have agreed as part of a conversation.
• Prepare an 'If I need to leave quickly' emergency bag and store/hide it somewhere safe. This bag could include things like clothes, essential medication for you and anyone else who might need to leave with you, copies of your drivers licence and a spare set of car keys if you have a car, birth certificates, passports, benefits books, letters, important contact numbers etc - anything you would need to prove your identity in order to set up home somewhere else as you may not be able to return in order to collect these items later. The bag should be stored/hidden in a place it would be easy for you to get to in an emergency and where only you could find it.
• If you have children teach them how to make an emergency call, dial 999, what to say to the call handler (such as their full name, address and telephone number).
• Try to make sure you always have a small amount of money and your credit/debit cards with you at all times.
• If you think you may be about to be attacked try to get to a safer place - somewhere that is more public.
• If you are at home try to avoid rooms with no way out as it would be easy to become trapped there. Go to a room with a phone if possible. Try to avoid rooms that contain items that could be used as weapons such as the kitchen, shed or garage.
• If your partner/abusive person injures you in any way go to a doctor or to a hospital for treatment - doctors and hospitals have to keep records of the treatment they give which would count as evidence of the abuse.
• Keep a record of any abusive incidents, letters, emails, texts - these could be crucial in terms of evidence.
• If you come to a decision that you need to leave your partner or other abusive person then try to take the time to think about how you can do this as safely as possible for you. Often, when people try to leave abusive situations this can be the most dangerous time as the perpetrator may become more violent and abusive.
• Plan to leave when your partner/abusive person is not around - and if you have legal custody of any children take them with you at the point at which you leave as you may run into complications if you do not.

If harassment continues after you have left:

Tell someone you can trust what's happening. Try not to isolate yourself. Work out the safest routes to and from home and work and use them. If you can't do this try to travel with someone else. Make sure your home is safe. Think about getting your locks changed and make sure that all doors and windows are secure.

Remember, if you are concerned for your immediate safety dial 999.

If you are concerned about someone else and you think they may be in an abusive relationship there may be some signs - They may be:-

• Unusually nervous, depressed or withdrawn;
• Overly anxious about their partner or their partner's moods;
• Becoming increasingly isolated from friends or family; or
• Having unexplained physical injuries e.g. cuts, bruises or sprains.

Their partner may

• Put them down a lot in front of you or others
• Order them about or seems to make all the decisions; or
• Control all the money or social activities or contact with friends.

Try talking to them; remembering that they need to make their own decisions but you can be there for them as a support.

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